Out with the old

For so long now, I have not felt like myself. I wasn’t really able to wrap my head around why exactly until I had a conversation with my friend recently. One of the things I said in passing was that I felt like I had lost my essence. Maybe that sounds like such a stretch but I genuinely feel like I have.  And I know that most of what I’m feeling is what comes with change and growth. 

But I feel stuck. 

I feel stuck in a transition process. I feel stuck between an old me that I seem to have lost and a new self that seems so far from my reach. 

I’ve stayed wishing for my so called old self that I miss. Hoping I can get back some personality that I’ve already grown out of. And it’s not like I want to go backwards because that’s not the case. It’s more of me wanting to go back to the comfort of remaining in the same position. I stayed the same for too long and when the change happened, it happened so quickly for me that i now feel thrown off my feet. And instead of finding balance in the new, I’ve been grasping and trying to find anchor from an already sailed ship. When I should instead be focusing on creating and nurturing the new me. Creating space for the new me to blossom and flourish properly. 

I don’t know about you but for me, change is pretty scary. I think I’m scared of what’s to come. I  mean, I know I’m growing. I know that my final form is strong. is powerful. is definitely a huge step up from my present. However, this transition process? It sucks. 

But as much as it does - as much as I’d rather remain in my comfort zone - I’m trying my best to look at it as an opportunity. I’m choosing to accept this process as a sign that something better lies ahead. Because as scary as change is, my life is a firsthand example of its inevitability. And since it’s going to happen regardless, I’m going to accept it with hope and an open mind. 

Besides, they say diamonds are formed under pressure. how do I expect to shine if I don’t hold still through the process? right?