Alone with my thoughts (or not)




4:23am on a Friday morning. 
I can feel the cool breeze and I can hear the nothingness from outside. No, I’m not an early bird. On the contrary, I’m quite the night owl. Perfect time to be in your thoughts, isn’t it? Well, not for me. At least, not anymore. 
I used to love being alone with my thoughts - good or bad. Thinking was my hobby, you could say. The feeling of always being in my own head made me feel in control of everything that went on in there. I always wanted to think everything through and sometimes overly. 
The change was swift yet very subtle. I can’t quite place when it all started. But over the last month it has become very clear to me. 
I stay up really late not because I have something important to do. Nope. Simply because I am avoiding that tiny transition period from being awake to Dreamville. I always want to fall asleep. I never want the time to think. I keep my mind occupied all the time so I don’t have to think about anything. If I don’t feel sleepy I’d get up and dance until I am tired enough to sleep immediately. It’s like I am scared of my own thoughts. I’m always pushing back the possibility of a lot of things because I don’t want to imagine them in the slightest. 
I know I told myself I would cut down on the overthinking this year but Nazam being Nazam, is being an extremist. 
Quite frankly, I miss being alone with my thoughts. I miss confronting the thoughts rather than pushing them away. I miss the feeling of going through my day in my head before going to bed; It gave me some sort of reassurance. I still haven’t figured out how to work through this but I hope I do. 

Until then, enjoy this little piece I wrote because I couldn’t fall asleep. 

Nazam 💜 

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