Recovering People Pleaser

Hello, my name is Nazam and I’m a recovering people-pleaser. This is my story. 

Or however they say it at AA/NA meetings. 

People-pleasing is something I’ve struggled with for the most part of my life. Most of the decisions I’ve made were either to please family or to please friends. I never really did anything for myself. Quite frankly, I was totally okay with it. I didn’t see a problem with making other people happy at the expense of my own happiness. After all, the bible said to love your neighbour. Well, clearly I missed the part where it said: “as yourself”. This means if I had to love someone I had to love myself first. 

I constantly sought validation from everyone and planned my life out based on every Dick, Tom and Harry’s opinion. I was very image-conscious; constantly wondering and caring about how people saw me. Everyone’s opinion mattered to me. I suppressed my feelings, my expectations, my wants, my needs, everything; just to make sure people were pleased. I would constantly put everyone’s needs before mine. It felt like I had a phobia for saying “no” to anyone. I just couldn’t bring myself to say that two-letter word. One of my greatest fears was seeing people unhappy with me. It made me uncomfortable. I felt like I was responsible for how people felt. People said “you can’t please everyone” and I said, “watch me”. Well, they didn’t only watch me, they ripped me off as well. It affected me so much. I was getting my priorities all wrong. 

So, I decided to change. 

For me, people-pleasing was more of an addiction. Curbing an addiction is not a day’s job. Which means I’m still in the process of recovery. I started out through Self-awareness. That was the first step. Accepting that this was something that I did and making the conscious decision to stop it. I started learning to block out people’s voices in my head and around me. I’m learning to say no when I need to. I’m also learning to live with whatever negativity comes with it. I also started creating healthy boundaries and letting people know when they cross them. It is tough! 

One of my struggles in recovery is dealing with extremism. Sometimes, in a bid to please people less, I end up intentionally hurting people. Every day I try to find a balance in all of it. Making sure I’m not people-pleasing all the time while trying to remain polite through it all. 

I still enjoy making people happy but the ultimate goal is making sure it’s not at the expense of my own happiness. I still seek advice and opinions when need be but I’m making sure I’m not acting solely on the validations and approvals of others.

It’s a gradual process to full recovery and I’m trusting the process. 

Nazam💜