Road to eighteen!

6.8.19 

Now playing: like you - Tatiana manaois 

Hey beautiful people, 

Before I get into it, let me give you small gist. The fact that you’re reading this right now is a testimony. Because boy, the devil tried it. I started drafting this post and listing my blessings and suddenly I just wasn’t myself anymore. I felt disconnected from everything around me and I almost deleted my draft. Somehow I just decided to listen to like you byTatiana manois to try and cheer myself up. It’s funny because I’ve always thought the song was corny and not for me but at that point it was all I needed to hear. I’m glad I did. Now I have those lyrics embedded in my head as a daily reminder. 

Back to business. I’m just here to tell you people that It’s my birthday and I am eighteen. 1 8. A whole 18! Lord knows I’ve been 18 in my head for a long while but I think actually turning 18 has a different feel. I’m excited, to say the least. Not because I’m finally an adult (because that doesn’t apply to my mother), or because I get to handle most of my legal duties myself now (that’s a lot of pressure, I tell you). I’m excited because the Lord has really really been good to me in the past one year. 

this past year has been a hell of a roller coaster. I went back to check on any and everything I could find from last year - my screenshots, notes. Bruh I was really going through a lot. I saw some things I wrote or screenshots I had and I’m like “woah sis, you good?”. The space I’m at right now I would never had imagined being in it this time last year. But look at God. I’m happy for growth - physically, mentally and spiritually. 

A year ago, I had no idea I was going to start a blog. I had other worries that had me crying myself to sleep every other night. I was seriously battling - silently, might I add - with my mental health. I was worried about everything. I was worried about losing my friends (lol), I was worried about adjusting, I was worried about my academics, I was worried about my future. I had times when I questioned my existence and my entire purpose. Sigh. It was tough. I couldn’t talk to anyone about my challenges because I felt no one would understand. So what did I do instead? I pushed everyone away. Brilliant idea, Nazam. lol. Despite all these, no matter how blind I was, I still saw God coming through for me. 

The beginning of this year marked more or less a new beginning for me. I had started my blog so I used it as a medium to put some of my goals and expectations out there. And I’m honestly glad I did because it kept serving as a reminder every time I felt like giving up. One of the hardest things I had to learn was letting go. Letting go of people, things and situations. I had to learn to let go of people who were causing me stress. I had to learn that people come and go. It was hard. I kept holding onto past memories and hoping for the friendships to work. But in the end, I learnt. Thankfully. Selfish as it may sound, I took a decision to put myself first most of the time. I also learnt to let go of the picture of what I thought my life would be and tried to find joy in the story I’m living. In the end, God’s will over mine. I saw that clearly when things were not going in anyway I had planned at all. I worked myself up because of it but God had bigger and better plans. Thank God I did not resist it. 

Between August 6th 2018 and today, I’ve learnt a whole lot, overcome a whole lot and achieved a lot. As much as I want to be proud of myself, I definitely know that I wouldn’t have done it all without God. It’s been one hell of a journey becoming an adult (hehe I like the sound of that). I can’t wait to see what adulthood has in store for me. 

Happy birthday to me 🥳🎉

Nazam💜